in these early morning hours, i ache a strange, hollow ache. if i could have one wish, it would be to completely erase all memories of past lovers and take back the day when i had first given my heart away and every day since. every last teeny tiny bit—i wish i could have my heart whole and pristinely preserved now. after all this time, i have only learnt that every sacrifice i had made at the cost of my self had been for naught.

sure, i suppose the optimist glass-half-full view would be to appreciate the lessons. but at 0151, accompanied by the soundtrack of falling rain, i cannot say that i am inclined towards optimism. writing this in a pitch black room, i feel nothing but the stains of regrets.

i know that on better days, i have felt the uplift of Everything Happens Exactly As It Must but then again, i also know that if i were to be given the opportunity to do over, i would 100% opt for all of the paths i did not take. i would not have lived so ruled by fear. of course i say this now at the age that i am, knowing what i know. if my time travel did not include going back armed with all of this knowledge, i probably would have made the same (poor) choices.

come to think of it, i am not entirely certain this post has much of a point. only that i become (so) restless fixated on the fact that there is, in fact, little that i actually feel proud of in my existence. it is equally saddening and frustrating but the years passed, at this point, are a completely lost cause. the only redemption there is is to make for damn sure that it will not be the case for the future. hence this path i now have stubbornly planted myself on. all i can really do is go from here and may the light from all of the bridges burnt guide me. i cannot go back, i must go on.