my biggest affliction in life is, and forever will be: my family. this is the part of me that i hate, that i love and that i simply can never relinquish.

growing up in a strictly asian household, filial piety is soldered to my dna. this abhorrent, agonising abstraction of "honour thy mother and father." this forever weight that i am chained, strapped to without any choice, any say, any assuage. the only emancipation there will ever be is death.

the moment it had been my turn to have my cards read, i had no idea what to expect. the cards were revealed and the reader said, "let us begin with a story." after so many years of spontaneous readings driven by curiosity and some constant burning desire to know all of the Whys, it shed some shocking light. doll's eyes were wide when she had turned to face me. "oh my God, it is so true!" was the sentence she had uttered. i had simply sat there, stunned. grateful for the fact that i had kept my face mask on.

i honestly do not know what there is to believe or not believe anymore. all i know is true are my experiences and my feelings. having lived over three decades with these people who apparently share the same blood and flesh as i biologically but exist as spectres. how has it been possible that i have felt so completely unseen and misunderstood after all this time by the ones who had been the vessel for my being here? i have failed for years to reconcile this and after yesterday, have simply surrendered to the fact that it is not to be reconciled. and i am just done trying.

i find family the hardest and most painful thing to talk about. it is my pandora's box. there is so much that i swallow, hold back, stay silent on but over time, all it has become is like a cancer that grows inside of me. consumes me from the inside. i have come so far for so long on my own. this is the one thing i still feel like i have yet to fully conquer. but i am hopeful.

some day.

one day.