i had woken up this morning after my second sleep feeling strange and out of body—missing waffle. it has been two months and some. two more and i may very well have him completely out of my system. 53 minutes past the 20th hour. there is something always so downbeat about sundays. i (rather reluctantly) watched Soul and (not surprisingly anymore) cried like a baby. now and again, i get these bouts of panic thinking about how i am going to make all of my payments that are due without any actual source of income. ironically, i have always wanted this life—eat, sleep, wake, watch shows and movies, write, repeat. but now that i have it, i am not even able to enjoy it because i have zero actual source of income. since having discovered that rogue notebook, my world will never again be the same. sometimes i wonder—if we are ever truly aware that one choice, one single decision, can change the entire course of our life henceforth. i had not began 2021 with this much despair. "i want to just commend you on being so brave to put you first." is it courageous to live selfishly? should that be regarded as an accomplishment? an accolade?

i have arrived at the conclusion that there is absolutely no point at all in connecting with strangers. where once it had fascinated me to no end—to have these conversations where you never truly knew who it was you were actually speaking to, i have now grown extremely cautious. weary, even. and all of my experiences throughout the course of time has taught me that it is only the sinister and the ill-intended who are often so incredibly intent on evading all accountability and choosing to move through society incognito.

there are 174 days remaining in the year. thus far, my most notable achievements are as follows:

  1. surviving covid-19.
  2. mastering the attachment theory—correctly identifying them, being able to differentiate between the types and fully comprehending how they affect relationships.
  3. discarding more toxic relationships.
  4. honouring my instincts and finally paying attention to red flags instead of downplaying and doubting them.
  5. cementing my self-assuredness and assertiveness to stand up for myself and to enforce boundaries.
  6. proactively practising open and honest communication.

admittedly, item number six has been the scariest and the hardest. however, it is the achievement that fills me with the most sense of personal pride because i am choosing every day to continuously apply regardless of its reception. i know now that there is absolutely no shame in living honestly because the truth is not something we can control or help. it simply is. and every voice deserves to have their chance to be heard, if they so wish. the total number of confirmed cases of covid-19 as of today is 836,296 so i am informed by the government's official application that is meant to track all things covid-19. what does this number mean now? all of our lives henceforth will never be the same again. oh, what have i learnt? what have i learnt? every day i sit here in this darkness spilling words and chunks of text forth from this space between my ears. all of these thoughts; the never-ending, relentless internal monologue. i was recently made aware that not every single human being is plagued by such a... condition. a part of me is curious to know what that would feel like but truly, the bigger part of me feels it must be absolutely awful to hear nothing except deafening silence all the time. truly tragic.

here is my most recent epiphany: the person who will ultimately be my significant other will not be some strange new person i meet cold, i believe. the more time passes, the more i recognise my need for trust. full, unwavering, unconditional trust. the very simple fact is that i am no longer blissfully blind about people. really more often than not their hearts are black, rotted, gnarled and there mostly is just a world of darkness lurking right beneath the surface of their painted on smiles. "you have most likely already met the love of your life, you just do not know it yet," it had been once said. i cannot say that i wholeheartedly concur but i will say that given all that has happened throughout the course of my life, it might be most probable. at any rate, i have also come to make peace with the fact that staying perpetually single becomes less unbearable with more conditioning. one simply has the odd longing to be held, heard and coddled but over time, these withdrawals are fleeting and significantly decrease in intensity. perhaps one day, enough time would have passed for me to simply stop having them altogether. how is that for wishful thinking?

in approximately 12 hours (give or take), i will once again resume my hunt for permanent employment. a job, what a drag. if only there was some way for me to completely eliminate financial woes. this life may just have more of a meaning then.