i had conducted a closed survey in the days that had led up to my birthday—a single text message circulated to some 20 odd friends or so. "what was your first impression of me?" it had asked. most of them had replied with "pretty/good looking" but also "stuck up/bitchy" and "fierce/protective." one person had actually said "serious" and another, "quick witted." i feel like this will never stop being amusing to me—people's initial impressions and what they believe they see in a single glance.

i can honestly say that i can never remember a time where i was not conscious of public eyes. perhaps that was why so many had come to feel that i was ultra contrived. but there was much i had to be insecure about. i always felt the need to hide the truth—about my family, about the way i had grown up, the environment in which i did. there were many things i had always wanted to change. i had this never-ending desire to control my own narrative. i guess in some weird way, it gave me solace. the security i was always seeking and wishing i had.

i will be honest: i have no idea where this is going.

only that tonight, i wish i could turn this writing into my actual livelihood somehow. i wish that i could really find a way to make blogging work for me without this constant fear that i would end up losing my authenticity. for once, in my life, i wish that i could truly be accepted for everything i want to be and choose to do. perhaps it is a stretch but i really, really, really, really wish that this could be enough.