and so, on a whim spurred on by sheer restlessness, i find myself back on these mind-numbing "dating applications" with the same old tired names and faces, same old tired looped conversations. everyone and their Where Are You Froms and What Do You Dos. exhausting does not even begin to cover it.

i cannot believe that these years are the best of my life and they are absolutely going down the toilet. most days i fluctuate between feeling helpless, restless, frustrated and jaded. sometimes, all at once.

interestingly, south and i have been having more and more conversations about this of late—modern-day dating, applications, the infuriation of generational trauma. we all want proximity but we all cannot stomach the hurt. there is great resistance on the terms and conditions required for succeeding in a long-term romantic relationship. i do not believe my generation knows how to even believe in something as such given how quickly and easily relationships end. i get tired simply writing this. i feel like 2021 has just been one long nightmare that started out as 2020. i cannot wait for it to end but who can say for certain that 2022 will not just be another extension to this hell?