compulsion de répétition.

mercredi, novembre 11

when i take a step back and look at the line-up of ex-boyfriends, i begin to identify them all as one single entity: my father. the characteristics that draw me to them are the same that i have always appreciated in him:

  1. they present as intelligent (deep thinkers), quiet introverts upon introduction.
  2. they are almost overly polite/formal during the early stages.
  3. they have a strong sense of childlikeness—easily amused, playful, cheeky.
but then the flaws, too are unmistakable:
  1. the erratic temper and temperaments.
  2. the contrasting duality—alike to that of Jekyll/Hyde.
  3. the almost automatic amnesia that proceeds any conflict.
  4. the rooted tendency to lust after random women.
  5. the inclination towards being secretive.
  6. the cruel and extremely critical perceptions of me/my self.
  7. the constant pulling away which leads me to almost want to always compete to win their affection and attention.
  8. the innate nature to simply rebel against me.
  9. the difficult/complex relationships with their female parent.
  10. the ongoing power struggle—them needing to feel like they're superior/me feeling like i have to always concede in order to "keep the peace."

in a conversation i'd had with burger (token male best friend and poster child for therapy), he enlightens me on freud's repetition compulsion. i hadn't known the technical term for it up until then. all i'd come to realise about myself was that at some point in any of the relationships i'd been in, i'd begin to feel some eerie similarity with these lovers and my male parent. instinctively, i would feel comforted by the fact that i was already very much "equipped" to "handle" the difficulties. in the way that one would feel at ease playing a video game they'd already once completed. i would console myself with thoughts like "luckily, you already know the right things to do/say to diffuse this situation." i was never conscious of it at the time of happening but with enough distance now for me to look back and re-asses, i realise that there were a lot of aspects within my past relationships that felt like i was simply functioning on auto pilot mode. and weirdly, the more time i was in the relationship, the more i believed that i was "winning." at what exactly, though, i was never really sure. until, repetition compulsion.

apparently, in not so many words, it's when a person tries to "correct" or alter the outcome that pertains to some form of trauma. (or something.) it's like, if you'd once been a victim of abuse, your subconscious would desperately try to re-write that narrative and that could result in you being drawn to individuals who project similarly.

somehow, me trying to actually explain this out in worded form is making my head reel and i'm not entirely sure if any of it even makes sense. in my head, i know what it all means but on paper... i'm this close to just hitting Delete Post.

(mostly because i'm losing stamina here and want to unwind by watching some mindless netflix now) what i want to achieve by writing this is simply to say that i no longer trust my judgement as it's warped. i don't actually know how to re-wire (or even to remove entirely) this part of my brain that seems to be so immediately drawn to characters who are like my father. our relationship will always be fucked up even if there may come a day (perhaps most likely when one of us departs the land of the living) when the fighting and discord finally ends. we're so past repair now that the only feasible Best Case Scenario is silence. superficiality. we just stay on Niceties and hold our breaths.

and this will apply to my approach to men as a whole. sine exceptione, ad infinitum.