come to think of it, i was a lot healthier (mentally) living in nature, removed from the city. oddly enough, it was simply easier to unplug and not care. my default mode was to be and exist (pretty much) in isolation and the odd Now And Again occurrence was to make an appearance socially. just to "show face", if you will. strangely, living in the city adds some strange pressure to have it be the opposite way where it's pretty much impossible to really live day-to-day in isolation. there is a necessity for malls, social events— breakfasts, lunches, dinners, brunches, drinks, get-togethers, house parties, any parties. and it's definitely some twisted paradox that the more i'm surrounded by people, the lonelier i feel.

sometimes i wish, more than anything, that i could simply up and leave at whim without needing to think twice about anyone or anything. without having to feel like i'd need to explain my absence or defend it. could it be possible that in a past life i was a bird and some part of me now, in this life struggle with the fact that i now live a life as a human being? (wingless.)

if i'd have had the good fortune enough to have been born into a world and a life where money would never be a concern or worry, i would dedicate all the time i had to wandering the world. documenting all of the beauty that lie in quiet, secret places. i would pick up and go wherever i wanted to. do whatever it was i felt like doing that day. not suffocate myself with worry for how i'd make my next payment on anything.

why does struggling feel neverending? every day i find i still ask God when the fateful day will come where i know in my heart of hearts that all of the struggling is finally over and there is nothing other than simply being okay.