i keep going back and forth with whether i should take the leap or if i should stubbornly stick to my plan. the thought of starting over (in this aspect of my life), though becomes less and less appealing and, in fact, more and more of a struggle each time. however, there is presently one opportunity i've stumbled upon that seems to be just the right fit for me and now i'm wondering if i should just try to cast my net. no harm, no foul, right? the worst that could happen is if i don't get the call back and if the reverse happens— well. at least i'd get the luxury of having an option.

right?

i cannot help but ask myself to dig deeper for the reason/s i keep feeling this... unsettled (shall we say). there are a couple of factors that are weighing heavy and dragging down the overall score on my Happiness meter but i don't know if this could simply be alleviated by the department hiring and successfully retaining more bodies.

the two factors that are proving to be a major pain point for me are:
  • the insane difficulty in getting approved for time off work.
  • the dwindling commission i'm cashing out monthly.

the requirement/s to passing out for time off work are, in my opinion, totally ridiculous. it's understandable given the leanness of the team but it still doesn't make it something easy to swallow. leave requests are submitted a whole year in advanced and many end up blocking random dates blindly because it's better to have time off than to not. which is shit for the ones who actually need those specific dates off because now the leave quota is filled and no one else will be able to have approved time off.

and now about this commission "incentive" that sucks you in like a baccarat table does— i hate gambling. i'm not a gambler. i lack patience for waiting on that one big windfall round after round or, i guess you can call it, faith. i don't have faith in luck. because i've honestly never really been a person that's brimming with any. being here feels a lot like being suckered into a gamble and i resent it. 10 months, two days and 18 hours later, i've only made one significant cash out. i'm no pro but even i know that's some bullshit odds. and at this rate, i'm really wondering if it'd just be better to have something else that doesn't feel quite so aggravating. because the only thing worse than not having money is having money at the start of every month and feeling satisfied— like all of this getting out of bed was actually for something; but seeing it get cut down to like, a measly 100 ringgit at the end of the month.

holy mary, mother of Christ.

it honestly goes beyond demotivation. it just makes me mad. like, really mad. the game is so rigged it's like they want to make sure you walk away with as close to nothing as possible at the end of every month.

but the pros make it seriously hard to start thinking about bailing. having free time in the day makes it so easy to take care of errands and to go to places like malls. it's an easier drive to and from work every day. i leave at 0600 sharp and when the day is done, it's done.

i guess my fear of moving anywhere else is largely rooted in the fact that i might never have this sort of balance if i don't work a shift-based job.

you know what, i'm daunted by the application process— in addition to submitting my résumé, i'm required to also supplement a two-minute long video of myself but i'm going to say a prayer and try anyway. i guess at the end of the day, there's not going to be a better or a worst. it's just going to be a matter of approval— God will either bless me to go or tell me He wants me to stay.