if this was all i would tell you about my work, you know there's no way it could possibly be true. the holiday season was really tough on us all. from thanksgiving right through christmas and up to the new year, shifts were brutal and relentless. and whilst some were in good (read: holiday) spirits, there were the rotten few that definitely made things more strenuous. though, overall, and being totally transparent— it wasn't so much the work that was the bitter pill to swallow. (at least, strictly speaking for me.) it was more so the conditions of the workplace and by that i mean, simply not having enough bodies for the amount of workload we had to bear. as a direct result of that, morale dropped to the negatives and there was almost a literal need to physically drag myself to work five days a week. the onslaught was crushing. and it has been for months now. closing the chapter on 2019 and arriving at the new decade caused me to re-visit my plans. when i'd started, i'd been dead set on toughing it out for three whole years. one would be too short a time to say that i've accomplished anything of remote significance and two would not be a new accomplishment seeing as how two years is the present record i hold for Longest Time In A Role anyway. so, three it is. and three it has to be. but with still some way left to go before we officially hit the 12 month mark here; already, my batch of 10 has halved. next week, we lose one more as a senior makes a lateral move to a different department. and from his batch, there will only be one more person that's left. there is talk of a brand new batch of fresh meat coming in three months' time but is that any cause for hope? my batch started off so promising. "i want to build a career!" "i want a place where i can work till retirement." "i want to grow here." "this is where i've chosen to be." and in one month, three, six, nine... oh, how the tunes have changed.

maybe this is why nobody really believes in the things this (new?) generation does. my generation. and all the ones that will succeed us. there is nothing lasting with us. no belief in marriage or ownership anymore. all my friends are perfectly happy to rent till death. all much more willing to shack up and live a "label-less" life. everything is undefined because it's more work to define things. more of an effort. you'd have to sit and justify shit. ain't nobody got time for that.

everybody who once said Forever had turned out to be the first to leave.

three years in this place is going to feel like three lifetimes. i mean, it has only really been eight months, 30 days and 22 hours but already i have seen the departure of seven (going on eight) and the arrival of nil. it has truly been, in total non-exaggeration, a time of loss. and i think it gets a little harder every time there is one more absence. if i had to liken it to anything at all, it's probably like being held captive in a cell and watching the bodies around you drop like dead flies. one after another. it feels something's in the air. dead energy. did i already say, morale is at an all-time low?

it gets hard some days. never have i ever (in my whole 10 years of working) felt more alone than i do now at this workplace. i've always had a person, at least. no matter where i'd been. in all the jobs i've worked. always that one constant anchor. that place of sanity and solace. but i don't have that here. people are jaded. deliberately distant. and the older i get, the more i'm finding out that it only gets harder (and harder) to make friends.

three years.

three years.

remember your promise. hold on to seeing it through.

in all honesty, it probably wouldn't mean too much to anyone (the company included) if you didn't actually get to the end of three years anyway. but you would know that the failure to see it through would say everything about you. it would mean that you were just like the rest.