found scribbled in the margins of a single-page loose leaf ruled sheet.


one. it has been years. and honestly, if i could take it all back, i would. and by that, i wish i'd never let you in. all the memories of you hurt. and i know that this can never change now for me.

two. sometimes i wonder how things would be today if only you had picked me, too.

three. there are days where i think about you; us, and wonder what the point of it all had been. there are days where it felt like the charade was an utter waste. of time, of effort and most of all, of emotions. but there are days like these— where i know with razor sharp clarity that your purpose in my life was to teach me how to be okay with having something that won't last. loving someone for only the time that they are with me and will be mine and blessing them completely when they finally leave. in spite of all the things we would try to convince each other with, i knew (at least) that we were always meant to say goodbye. wherever it is you are now in life, whoever you've chosen for this time being, i genuinely hope that you are happier.

four. whenever we interact (in the rare occasions that we do), i wonder what it must be like to be you. to have the world fall at your feet and still never know it.

five. maybe in another life, i would fight to bridge the gap and foster a deeper bond with you. i like the quiet energy you possess. there is a sense of security you provide and you could, very well, be the solace i need in all the madness. you could be the sort of strength that i need but i've just been too burned by toxic friendships. i'm tired of knowing betrayal and i fear another lifelong hurting. so i'll keep my distance. but i do wish things were different. i wish i was.

six. you are what has forever ingrained this lesson: always look at what you have when you still have the people you have. people aren't perfect but they can still love you perfectly. in all the ways that they know how and with all that they have.

seven. i don't believe that there will ever be enough words to express to you just how much you truly mean to me. i know i must love you because i don't have a Why. there are no conditions, no exceptions and no limits to all that i feel for you. it cripples me to think of the day that i could be without you (again). if i could have one wish forever, i would ask to be everywhere you go. and to live, basking quietly, in your afterglow.