every time i have wanted to fire up another post, i have been plagued by one more (albeit small) element to correct, fix, tweak— pick your poison. it has been both exhausting and frustrating to say the least. but finally, finally, i have edited my last edit and effected my last change. at last, i can say i am 200% satisfied with this changed layout and barring anything unforeseen, i can now proudly say that it is now entirely up to par with what i have envisioned. merry, merry christmas, hanabi sky.

and maybe this is where dayre might've had the leg up. because maybe not giving a person like me the option to customise is best. heaven knows, i'd spend all the time on-hand customising till the cows come home and all my energy would be zapped from just that, there'd be none left for actual content creation.

but i digress, i digress, i severely digress. excuses.

i wanted to write this as a means of a reminder. one, for where i am now, professionally at day 350 out of 365. two, for who i am now and three, for me to hopefully never forget these two rather important things that i feel are now testament to me arriving to adulthood.

morale in the workplace is nothing less than bleak. never have i been at a workplace where you can literally feel people's energy and passion burning out. and you can see the light on their faces have dimmed. now that christmas is drawing near, there's usually some type of buzz that is mostly a combination of happiness for having survived the year, excitement for knowing that a new one is very close 'round the corner and peace, maybe even, comfort for when you look around the room and see faces that are familiar. colleagues you know the names of. who are friends, in the sense that if one were to crack a work-related joke in the slightest, there'd be laughter ringing.

but now there is a strange silence that hangs over everyone. desks empty— and more emptying (by the day, it feels like). whispers and then actual letters drafted, envelopes sealed and handed in. it's so sad to know that possibly by february 2020, this entire team, more or less, would have been dismantled. and goodbye team 2019.

it's unsettling.

for someone who is still only 251 days at this place, in this role; it feels like something must be in the water for people to not want to stay for long(er) than they must. and more so for someone like me, who is so much about the energies and synergy of people— this is sad and shocking.

but it is inevitable, everybody tells me. people will always leave. the grass will always look greener. everybody makes their bed and then changes their mind. bless them. leave them be, and let them go. and that's fine and fair enough but just as how the news of loss is just as bad as loss itself (to me), i know that this is something i have to save myself from. the black hole of Misery Loving Company that could so greatly suck me in. it's a mental epidemic and one that i have absolutely no need for at this stage of my life where my financial responsibilities keep adding, not subtracting. furthermore, i have been through that whole cycle of feeling like no job is good enough/no management understanding enough. and the reality is, there probably won't be unless you create the job and you are your own management. because work is just work, at the end of the day. and as long as you're cashing your paycheques out on time, that's all the thanks and gratitude there is to get from your employers. at least, they won't be the reason for you defaulting on any payments.

so, bless all who are leaving. the end of everyone's tunnels do not, may not and possibly will not look like yours. and that's okay. you don't all need to want the same things.

leave them be. those who believe themselves to be in pain and consider themselves suffering will only see and know that. they aren't stopping to think of starving kids in africa or the homeless man eating bits of ripped off newspaper outside any lrt station. they just know they are no longer happy and it's taking more and more effort each day to keep up the pretense that they are. so no poking and prodding necessary. just give them peace.

and, let them go. whether i have grown to be fond of these colleagues or not, it will not be enough to suddenly force a change in their hearts and minds that've already been set on a decision. though i personally will always feel that this is the saddest of all— when one is too impatient with the world, and themself and ends up making (a) decision(s) that, in hindsight, will always prove to be rash and unnecessary; the lesson can only be learnt when the mistake has been made. so if this is what looks like the best way and the only way (out of this so-called prolonged misery), then so be it.

the more one hears an opposing thought or voice, the more there is a need to push to prove it wrong.

but all the years of having that same chip on my shoulder did me no good. the fact that people with the age and experience to back their advice will always be something incontestable. but such is the peril of youth. always thinking you can do better. always with too much to prove. man, it's so exhausting.

so there it is. here i am, again. preparing all my goodbyes. and well wishes. some days, it all feels too redundant. saying the same over and over again to people who think that of you anyway— that these are robotic and hold no real meaning or sentiment.

my purpose of putting all this down in words, on (albeit virtual) paper is to give myself deserved pats on the head, methinks. good girl, for finally seeing the other side of the coin. that not all wars are won or lost indefinitely. it is the battles you take on every day. one foot in front of the other, that's all you need to do. and with each small step, you are, indeed, moving forward. it might be slow, but it is sure. you won't be stuck forever— you just need to make more progress than this to be able to look back and be justified.

you have done well enough to make a choice and stick by it. 17 days more and 2019 will be a closed chapter. you have braved the path and all of its hurdles— you are doing good. now, keep going.