i know, i know. how awfully original of me? but in the spirit of keeping things wonderfully traditional (cough, predictable, cough), here's my round-up post for the a-magical-zing year that is 2019.

january: "we start fires just to feel alive. there's no fear of falling when you feel so high, so high, so high."

i kickstarted 2019 with a plunge headfirst into a whole new look— devil may care. it was a decision i knew i'd very much regret but in that same breath, a regret i knew i simply did not want to live without.

it was the shortest i'd ever gone in my entire adult life and the first time i'd had tracks. that said, i welcomed entirely all the genderfuck feels and completely relished mostly wearing nothing other than a bold red lip everywhere i went.

february: "duvet days and vanilla ice-cream. more than just one night together exclusively."

it's crazy when you (finally) come to realise that meeting your forever person isn't anything like the movies. there aren't a million explosions in the sky, no orchestra swelling to a crescendo as you both lean in to kiss. true love, real love, so i've come to find out; comes quietly. it's a brush of fingers against fingers as we move through a cramped little somewhat obscure toy store and giggles escape me as i acknowledge the notion that he is completely succumbing to this (rather strange, i must admit) first date activity. it's my realisation that i'd smiled to myself the entire drive home after our first date. that there hadn't been a moment where he hadn't made me laugh. it's that glance my way when we'd i'd been so sloppily eating pizza on his couch. ("if i were to ask you to be my girlfriend now, would it be too soon? i mean. would you say yes?") it'd been my freudian slip. ("i love you, bougie.") and his final surrender. ("fuck, i really like you.") if you ever read this, booboo; i'd say meeting you was totally unexpected. but i'd only been waiting to for all of my life.

march: "look what you made me do, i'm with somebody new. ooh, baby, baby, i'm dancing with a stranger."
happy birthday to the sweetest ickle sweet potato there ever could be.

and happy graduation to the woman who broke me in all the worst and best ways possible to mould me so completely into becoming all that i am today. everything that i have, i have had because of you. and there is no denying that i could not be prouder of you for accomplishing this for yourself, momsy. i'm so glad and grateful for my chance this time, to be there for you.

i will love you both until my lungs give out.

april: "i still think of you, too. if only you knew."

getting to where i am now with work has been another prayer answered. it truly was a quiet prayer in a time of dire need that has led me here and thankful i am beyond, Lord. i'm really not sure where this path will lead but i have long surrendered my life to You and wherever it is You lead, so shall i follow.

june: "we might just get away with it, the altar is my hips even if it's a false god— we'd still worship this love."
it couldn't have been a more perfect birthday present: the sea, the sun, our very first time away together as a couple and what a memorable trip of firsts it was, indeed! i will never forget shaking like a leaf from such nervousness the whole time i'd sung to booboo in front of a roomful of randoms. and yet, how much it'd felt like my heart would utterly explode from joy seeing his handsome face looking back in the crowd.

july: "i want that crew love, that cool love, get naked, mama. tu papi chulo, bien duro, te lo quiere dar."
just before july had officially rolled around, i'd remembered feeling lowkey stressed about plans for how to celebrate booboo's birthday. knowing that he is a man of expensive tastes sure didn't do anything to help alleviate the stress further.

at the end of the day, though, i was proud that i had managed to put together a sound enough plan to keep homeboy satisfied. (at least i'll keep telling myself that!)

october: "underneath it all, i'm held captive by the hope inside."
witnessing my babysister tying the knot was the trippiest, most surreal experience i could have ever had. truth be told, if anyone from the future would've told us that the day would come where you would surpass me when it came to this, would we have believed them?

although, come to think of it, i can't say i'm surprised, bean. just like everyone else in our lives, God loved you more than He did me (because you were genuinely always good and wasn't a sibling-bully like me, ahem). i'm so glad you've married your best friend. believe me, it's the only kind of love that lasts.

november: "let me be your motivation."
and on the penultimate month of 2019, in a (quiet) blink, the pace starts to pick up and life suddenly starts getting just that tad bit better.

december: "don't tell me you don't feel what i feel somehow. ooh, i keep finding my way back to you."
just when i'd been pretty certain i'd seen it all, felt it all and been through it all... here comes a whole new world of discovery. of firsts. of losses, and gains. of new love to (fingers crossed) grow old with. and old friendships renewing. i am truly blessed (and relieved, honestly) to officially announce that 2019 brought more happiness than sadness. it was a year i'd closed the chapter to a decade, like it or not; but also a year that i'd turned a corner. not just evidenced in physical (read: human) years but more so spiritually. mentally. emotionally.

this year has taught me that some doors may close, and that's okay. some may re-open, some may stay shut forever. either way, what's meant to be, will be. and for everything else, there will be a second chance. even when you doubt it. even when it might not feel possible. and especially, when you least expect it.

not going to lie— i couldn't be more excited for all my other 391,645,7982,001,294,818 possibilities to come. here's to every infinity.
and beyond.