i've probably written (and re-written) this post approximately four times now making this (officially) my fifth attempt. i guess you could say, i'm struggling to properly convey my state of mind at present. my previous drafts have cycled from wistful to (slightly) angry(?!) to hugely emotional to... well. right now, i feel my heart is full. so full.

after some turbulent couple of weeks within myself and a not-so-great weekend, it's funny how i'm sitting here, writing these words: in this moment, i am never more at peace and know that i am truly content.

it honestly has taken me a while to get to this place. for a person like me, with my sky high requirements and expectations for every everything in my life (never settle for second best when you can have FIRST!), i know now that everything i have and own is truly enough. (even when to the naked eye, it probably could be a lot more.) "something has got to give" and "you can't have everything" are sayings we've become so accustomed to hearing. over time, i have only come to learn that they are, unmistakably, the truth. opportunity cost is something that is inevitable and like it or not, when it comes down to it, making a choice will always result in some form of loss, too.

of course, in the rare (fortuitous) occasion/s we may have the chance to have our cake and eat it, too but that, my friend, is something never promised. it more so depends on Lady Luck and how generous of a mood she's in.

now, why am i suddenly waxing lyrical about contentment?

because yesterday i was presented with Door #2 and the possibility of having a different life. and though i'd toyed with the idea of heading to that meeting to listen to the offer that would be made (possibly even do all i can to rig it to my favour), i took the breaks i had during my shift to mull things over and came to the conclusion that it'd be a waste of time to do so if i was truly happy where i am. and i am.

nights have always been long and arduous for me. my mind starts working and almost struggles to shut off. i sometimes feel more of a burst of energy and might begin cleaning, writing and/or dancing to have to exhaust the energy. i accomplish a lot in the late hours of the night/wee hours of the morning and that has always been my default functioning. hence, this night shift job is not one bit strenuous on me.

it is a five day job which is a perfectly normal expectation of any regular desk job. it is an eight hour job which, again, is perfectly normal. but most of all, it is a shift based job which means once the clock turns the exact hour i'm off, the day is done and i have nothing leftover to bring home. no additional work to lay in bed worrying about. no checklists in my head for the next day. my slate is entirely cleared down and off i go!

my salary has been steady and timely. i have since cashed out on my employee benefit for the year (hello, new spectacles!) and requests, albeit tedious as they are highly process-driven, get adhered to. granted, the accurate channels are utilised and the required paperwork submitted. all in all, it has never been easier for me to just show up at work, do what's needed to the best of my abilities and simply wait for my time to clock off and, well, PAY DAY.

i'm not antsy and wondering how much longer i'll have to keep doing this before i graduate a rank. it doesn't bother me in the least when i need to meet goals and targets in order to keep my position. it's just what's asked. and it'll be easier to deliver with clear margins.

this morning, i had no qualms or second-guesses— i simply sent along a single message that read:
actually, i'm happy where i am. but thank you for the offer.

and recommended a colleague for the position instead.