i've come to realise that it's me who's always sending the first text message. reaching out. letting people know they've crossed my mind. asking if they're (still) okay. in that same breath, i've realised also that i abhor it. and from today, i'm going to make a serious conscious effort to quit.

it's annoying being the person who cares and cares and cares. and the fact that it is close to not ever reciprocated is even more of a reason for me to (quit). in fact, i would say that it is long, long overdue.

so the remedy is this: every time i feel like i "miss" somebody, i'll channel that into either:

  1. doing laundry.
  2. (trying my hand again at) creative writing.
  3. organising my hard drive.
  4. (re)arranging my 1,700 stickers on line.
  5. folding clothes.
  6. planning content.
  7. upkeeping my finances.
  8. editing videos.
  9. selecting something completely random to watch on netflix.
  10. UPDATING THIS SPACE.

digressing.

it's a little bit surreal that it hasn't yet touched six months that i've been at my current employment. why? because it definitely feels like i've been there years. sometimes striving at the job can become so frustrating. it definitely makes me question why i even bother. although, overall, this job is, by far, the one that makes the most sense for me to stay in; i cannot deny the fact that it is also, the loneliest. in every (work)place i have ever been at, i've had, at bare minimum, one friend. but here i literally have no one. not anybody who has ever once asked me to hang out before shift or after. no one that wants to take the time to know me as a person. and i guess i have to admit, the feeling is mutual.

maybe it's just that there isn't any one person who feels like they'd be trustworthy. but is that just my scorned self speaking? you know, the one who has been burnt one too many times by plastic friendships.

man. you would think that having been lonely my whole life would make this shit a walk in the park, eh. but i'll tell you this much: it never gets easier.