i've just discovered that something is severely wrong with my mac and all of my final snorkelling videos have all fucked up and disappeared somehow. at this point, what else is new. i'm so done with everything. i'm literally numb to it all. i failed today. it was the last selection and i didn't make the cut. after all the effort. after all the sacrifice. i just came all this way to fail. i'm literally at the end of a rope. i don't know how much disappointment and failure i can accept. maxed out. i'm so close to properly throwing in the towel.

it was my final gift to myself. these memories of dolphins in the water. me on the jet-ski. swimming in the ocean and actually seeing a school of them just up ahead. trailing a sea turtle for ages. all of these videos— gone. somehow it just had to be these. it couldn't have been anything else.

i'm so over these curveballs. these little spikes in the road that pop up out of nowhere to deflate me cruelly. every time i think there's a ray of hope and something better is yonder, i'm brought crashing down to the bleak and shitty reality that i simply cannot succeed.

at this point, i'm honestly wondering if i've been secretly hexed. i just don't know anybody who would go out of their way to do this to me, though. seems mental.

maybe all i need to do is lie still and something might happen on its own. like the sky might fall down or the world might end.

there's wishful thinking.

i don't know what else to feel or say or do or think or want or not want. it all seems for naught. hours ago, i was angry. and then i was simply sad. now, all i feel is numbness. like i should be devastated these dolphin videos have all vanished but truly, i feel there's some force that always snatches away the happiness that i feel— no matter how little.

i'm giving it two last attempts. the final one in almost a month's time. i don't know where i'll be in terms of financial standing. already, i feel the money hemorrhaging at lightning speed. God, please grant me this.