it's funny how quickly time passes here. i find myself lost on what day it is, what time— and i seem to always just be late for something or other. running behind. waiting for time to catch up. some days (like this morning) it's frustrating. i lose whole days just doing. but doing what? sometimes it all doesn't feel like actual work. last night, though, was rather fun, truth be told. the entire team was present and it just felt good. to stand there, united. cracking jokes. laughing at nothing. everybody trying to make time pass in their own small ways. sharing moments amongst ourselves and yet, collectively being in one place. frozen, for a while in one single space in time.

there are some nights where i feel like this is all one perpetual summer camp with strangers. i don't entirely care for these people. i doubt anybody truly feels the same for/about me. and then there are these profound moments of emotion within me. often, it would be stirred by having been by the water. staring up at the sky. just being swallowed by quiet.

being here is good for my soul. and whilst it does pretty much isolate me from everything i love (to any extent) and truly know (inside out), i want to keep living this way.

is that terribly selfish?

blue asked for me last night again. he frames it like a question which answer relies solely on my intent/desire. but we both know it's more so a case of when he wants me, i go.

being with him is easy. it's a little eerie but at the same time, i welcome it. there are no hang-ups and the closeness we share always ends up leaving me wanting more. he is a drug, no doubt. but there's a fine, fine line between indulgence and hedonism and falling down a long, dark rabbit hole. the last thing i would do is catch feels. and yet, there is this crazy soft spot i have for him that's all nicely tucked away— even if i do say so myself.

i don't feel like it's deep. or even that it has potential to be. which is perhaps something that leaves me somewhat melancholic every time we come together only to come apart again. he will go in a month from tomorrow and the moment he's gone, i quite honestly believe that it'll be out of sight, out of mind. not that it needs to be anything more, of course. but truth be told, in a different world, he'd be who i would give entirely to. (like i have, too, in the past.)

not sure what it is about characters like him. unlikely, for one. but placid. reserved. deep. you know. perhaps some could say contrived but me, i like the mystery.

am i even making sense now? it's pushing 0130 and i'd told myself i would leave this quaint little office of mine at 0100. after i'd completed some work, that is. surprise, surprise— i've ended up doing fuck all work. feeling blue withdrawals.

it's pretty no bueno, not going to lie.