so, this just in: as of right now, i am totally without anaïs and at this time of writing, i may very well be facing the possibility that all of my 28 going on 150 years worth of photographs, videos, documents, screenshots, blog back ups and what-have-you's might potentially be all gone.

i'd been so very careless on tuesday evening— dropped the drive and in true stupid girl fashion, taken it for absolute granted that it'd all be hunky dory, fine and dandy and didn't stop to realise how serious it'd mean— losing the entire history of my existence to date.

although, in the strangest way, i feel... liberated.

perhaps this way, i suppose, i would be relinquished of any direct responsibility to getting rid of it all. it's funny how they say be careful what you wish for because often, it has, in some way or other, ended with me getting exactly that. and then i learn that i had absolutely no idea of the weight of my wish/es. so when will it end? when does the cycle break?

i'd been wishing so hard for so long now to completely forget my life and i guess, well. wish granted?

it feels weird to be on this end. for the first time in my life, i am writing a blogpost with no anaïs plugged in, whirring and warm to keep me company. i miss the ability to scroll through time and see in tangible form— a moment, a feeling, a memory captured in a click of a camera but truth be told, i feel like the sole survivor of a zombie apocalypse. where there was simply no time (and no camera on-hand) to be taking snapshots. there was only living. experiencing. and now knowing after all that has been said. after everything that has happened. these people, these stories, these times, these places— regardless of photographs and videos aside, have all taken place. past tense.

there were moments where everything mattered. and now? well. now i ask myself: so what?

nothing is certain now. i tried multiple times to revive anaïs. for the briefest moment, all was well. her presence was detected. the folders present. contents intact. and stupidly, i had thought we were out of the woods. even as i write this, i question how i've become this unfeeling towards so much. i know for a fact that there was a time i would've completely gone to pieces. a different me. a younger me. the me who'd mourn my heart out that things end. and in the end, we always lose. truth be told, i have felt absolute nothingness post-drop till now. i guess i ask what good it would do to grieve and mourn and cry. if all of the information is lost and gone for good then no amount of tears, anger, frustration and regret will ever, ever bring it back.

now there is only learning.

learning to appreciate. (to really appreciate.) learning to be more diligent. learning to be a (hell of a) lot more careful. and learning to really savour moments. to remember a moment, a feeling and to convert it to memory. not simply to rely on a photograph. or words typed on a whim. to properly utilise the mediums at hand. to make time to write. and i mean, actually write.

maybe in the end, it is truly necessary to lose everything because only then can one ever know the true value of anything at all. and when there is nothing left to burn, it is yourself you have to set on fire.