driving is when i do most of my thinking. it's easy to focus when there's nothing but road out in front of me and only one solitary task at hand: to get myself wherever it is i'm going. of late, i have been reflecting a lot. particularly on my relationships— both friendships and romantic.

i think about why it is that in these past five years or so, i've lost more friendships than i've made and yesterday evening, it was something momsy said that struck me:

if something broke or ended, it was for a reason. so you must accept it and let it go.

it's strange how it's hard to see what the reason/s are when you're not yet at the end of the story. to illustrate, here is something to reference:

this story is told in an eastern folklore of this man who lost his horse that ran away. when the horse ran away, the neighbour came to him and said, "you know, bad luck, isn't it? your horse is gone." he said, "what do i know about these things?"

(a) few days later, the horse came back with 20 other wild horses. and the neighbour came and said, "amazing. it's not bad luck— it's good luck! you've got 20 more!"

the man says, "what do i know about these things?"

his young son is going and taming one of the new horses and a young horse kicks him and breaks his leg. the neighbour comes and says, "terrible, isn't it? your son's leg is broken. bad luck that these horses came." the fellow says, "what do i know about good luck and bad luck?"

(a) few days go by and a bunch of thugs are coming looking for recruits to join their gang and they're looking for all the able-bodied young men. they're about to pick this young man but find out his leg is broken and they said, "we don't want him. we're going to move on to the next house." so the man comes and says, "good luck, isn't it, your son's leg was broken."

in one little series of episodes, we don't know what lies ahead. why don't you wait till you stand before God, face to face, and you will find out there were reasons why He didn't stop that trigger. so you will see the heinousness of evil and see the majesty of love and good.

i will always love this analogy because it's so true that a lot of times, (and as things occur), it's easy to receive them as "good luck" or "bad luck" when in fact, these events that happen are often times pivotal in taking you places in life. sometimes, away from a horrible outcome. it's just funny that not a lot of us actually stop to consider how significant one small thing can be. but i've really come to learn that one second, one minute, one hour and one day can really be the difference between being alive and being dead. between being safe and being sorry. between being somebody so acclaimed and so celebrated and being just another total nobody.

in a single moment, everything can change.

perhaps i have been in a more introspective state of mind now more than ever because i am drawing close to end of yet another life and on the brink of starting another new one. in about four weeks or so, i will be writing from the comforts of brand new four walls— leaving these ones behind, for good. i feel ready but conflicted. excited but scared. i want so much for everything to change yet stay the same.

and i know that this is so utterly selfish not to mention, childish of me. but this is, unfortunately, the human condition, isn't it? we all want our cakes and to eat it, too. but the choice is simply one. if i stay, i will never go. and if i go, i must not look back.

the days are dwindling down. days to appreciate what small joys i have. the freedom and liberty to drive where i want to, when i want to. the comfort of knowing exactly where everything is. the only thing that's stifling to me is the severe lack of company that i am now left with but truth be told, Loneliness has always a friend of mine and as i have come to accept, will always be. so lucky for me— wherever i go, this bitch is coming with me(!)

quite honestly, i owe a lot of this growth— my progress with detachment and learning independence to my two years with five. i had no idea what i'd been signing myself up for but amen and hallelujah for that entire experience because now, not only am i so much better equipped to handle this reality of having a full life entirely on my own and away from the people i've been practically permanently attached to the hips of for all of my life; i know now that it is simply the inevitable. and as much as i would love to stay a four year-old forever; it is simply abnormal and unhealthy to live life totally sheltered and in fear.

if i don't do this now, then i'll never fucking do it. trust and believe.

damn.

just close your eyes and jump, huh. guess this is the leap of faith people are always talking about. funnily enough, i thought that for me, it'd be something applicable to relationships. then again, maybe this is the only relationship i'm supposed to know. married to the job. (hashtag.)