having been blessed with very precious quality time with some really unexpected but good company lately, i've come to really appreciate the reset on my entire life during this holy month of april. the last week of march leading up to the month and the start of q-two saw the loss of a love, the loss of a life and the loss of (my means to earning) a living. so as i sit here now with only the sound of my standing fan on full blast in the background, typing this; my current life score boasts zero all.

shocking.

i've given up feeling anything at this point. the only thing i continue to pray for is the courage and the strength to keep trusting in God's plans and path/s for me and to carry on. even without the ability to see. it might seem like such a cop out to revert to relying on prayer when i'm faced with personal adversities but i've taken it upon myself to pray the rosary once a day every day and i find it truly shrouds me in a cloud of calm. maybe it was time for me to put aside all of my selfishness and sulkiness and return to Him. and it feels good to be embraced by His grace.

yesterday morning, i'd woken up feeling disjointed and sad. there was an unexplainable heaviness on my chest and without even a second thought, i'd called my spirit mom all the way in texas. and hearing her voice and filling her in on my current situation had not only lifted the weight but had made me laugh and smile and i realised that God always has help at the ready.

it is so, so good to have a faith family.

whenever i start to have small moments now where i feel like lamenting out loud, i really give further thought to my situation/s and think about all others who have less than or even who are worse off and how well they cope. how much they're still able to believe, forgive and love. how they seem to never give up on the thought of some day being where they want to be and how they're so able to hold on to hope. it's through both knowing and witnessing the strength of others that i am able to find mine. and i am just so thankful every day for little things that i'm able to achieve and accomplish. even if it's something as simple as finally taking the time to fold away clothes and have clean underwear.

perhaps this is what i really need to remember. that it's always okay to feel overwhelmed, spent— i just need to put my hand up and ask for a timeout. but i really don't need to quit. and surrounding myself with good, positive, supportive energy is so essential as it helps me recharge and teaches me to give myself more grace for simply being human and making mistakes.

the other day i found myself reminiscing on the girl i was, the girl i have been. the one who seems to always fail to place a higher worth on her self and her heart and i feel sorry and sad for her. to know that i have always, always, always been so afraid to end up all alone and feel as if i need to be everything people want to please them if only it means they'll love me back is just plain pathetic. therefore, now, i've vowed to just keep holding myself higher. and to always, always, always remember to never, ever lose my edge or independence. it's very easy for me to get swept up in emotions— i'm just a girl who loves love at the heart of it; but i need to never forget that loving people the way that i have has only ever caused me grief and heartache.

there is no knowing where any of us will be or could end up. but from hereon, i'll only be living in the present. and wherever i am, is wherever i will be reminded that i am still alive. happy. healthy. and forever grateful.

all the time, God is good.

and God is good, all the time.