i highly recommend a heartbreak (or several, if you're that hardcore of a character) for quick, effective weight loss. it has been nine days and five hours now that i've been single and i've rediscovered the ability to fit into form-fitting outfits that've been previously almost bursting at seams. oh, joy!

yesterday, unexpectedly, took a turn for the (very) hopeful.

my interview was flawless— 99% in the bag then lo and behold: i finally received a response from one of the jobs i'd really been setting my sights on. granted, my options, at this point are rather limited but finally, it feels as if my prayers for an opportunity to escape this place, this life and this dreadful reality has been answered(!) add to that, a very interesting character has also happened to have made an appearance in my life and suddenly, i feel as if i've been given the gift of renewed perspective.

all very cryptic at this point because, well, it's 0133 for starters and also, i'm a big believer in not wanting to jinx anything so let's just wait till things are slightly somewhat firmer before any big reveals take place, yes?

not that anybody really gives a shit, of course, echo the voices of ex number two and ex number four in unison.

no matter! it's my blog and i'll record if i want to! motherfuckers.

sidebar: i feel the need to make note here that it's funny how most seem to make the mistake of thinking that my writing is for them. it really isn't. i can't be arsed to be so magnanimous. it's really just for me as i'm terrified of some day having to face the (very real) possibility that there might just come a time where i could actually forget my own life. nothing has ever been for the pleasure of anybody else. i really couldn't care less for popularity.

pardon the digression.

so it's almost 0200 and here i am— suddenly all geared up and feeling excitement for life bubbling up again.

i eagerly await responses to my queries and then it's likely it won't take me too long to make my mind up. after all, like i'd said, this was one of two things i'd hugely had my heart set on. and whilst change is extremely nerve-wracking, i've already counseled myself enough to fight through this. first off, i wouldn't be the first human ever to exist outside a comfort zone and secondly, everything is only just a matter of conditioning. once the initial challenge is tackled, it becomes past tense and no longer a relevant threat/problem.

easy peasy lemon squeezy.

i can do all things in Him who strengthens me.
—PHILIPPIANS 4:13


and for the record, my plan now is to stay single for two whole years (to the date!). a very unexpected yumcha session last night seemed to challenge this plan of mine. i feel it may have simply been a test of willpower and i can only hope that i passed. perhaps to any outsider looking in, they may not understand the motivation and it may come across as a purely childish, petulant resolve. but rest assured, this is something i truly aim to commit to and by all means necessary, at the very least, genuinely attempt. heck, i'd be grateful and proud of myself enough should i surpass 12 months. after eight years and three months of consecutively being in relationships where the longest i'd ever been single is five months, i feel i owe myself this.

"it's a really long time," one friend says.

"this is such a nonsense plan," another remarks.

"two years?! i don't think you'll last that long," a third comments.

well, let's see. i say to them all knowing my tenacity and how i almost live to prove the world wrong.

"you could very well be shutting the door on good people who're really waiting to love you, you know." the someone i'd met for the first time last night sat directly across from me said. he was looking at me straight in the face.

"why won't you bless my plan?" i'd looked down, avoiding the intense eye contact. i smiled a wry smile.

"i'll bless you to find happiness. how 'bout that?" he had asked in response; leaning forward closer to me.

"i'm the one who's choosing this. this is what's going to make me happy."

as soon as i'd made that declaration, i brazenly shifted my gaze upwards. we locked eyes. i flashed an icy smile.

teeth and all.

he shook his head ever so slightly. and leaned back into his chair.