and so it begins.

every nightfall is long, drawn out torture. i become a victim of my own mind where all of these questions plague me relentlessly. how did i screw up so badly here? how could i have been so, so stupid?

last night i'd been fortunate enough to have had the bae team keep me company. all the way from the next continent over, through phonelines, they had offered me all the solace and soothing they had. and i had eventually fallen asleep with significantly less sadness than i had had. my emotional outbursts and breakdowns are unscheduled and sporadic. and i am thankful for the first time ever, to have the luxury of being able to break when i want to and cry when i have to. all of the times before, my go-to remedy for heartbreak and healing would've been to throw myself into the next whirlwind so as to be so busy, so busy, so busy i would have no choice but to continuously put off the breakdowns. but twice now, i've caused myself more harm than good. so this time, i'll take it slow and just allow for myself to be as sad as i have to be before i pick up the next cross to bear.

i am so numb.

i am confused and in a daze. how did i get this one so wrong? it was almost as if it had been two completely different people from start to end. so i guess this is what being duped really feels like. and holyfuckballs, does it really mess with your head.

when i had first met him, he had been sweet, funny, charming, easygoing. and in the last weeks, dark, secretive, cold, heartless. in a single day, i had uncovered more about him than i had bargained for. three months later, i now realise i know nothing about the true person. it is so, very unsettling. and all i am left with now is to feel the aftermath of realising i've just been emotionally depleted. this was the nigerian bank scams of emotions. and now i'm the poor, foolish victim who has been completely sucked dry.

why did i love him? and why do i still? i keep questioning myself and perhaps it is that he'd had his art perfected to a t. this is every scammer, i guess. they have a target, they have a niche. they get you every time.

truly, i have no words left. just the dust of everything that has been crushed and crumbled. three months of building, one moment of total destruction. i am now officially running on empty. but thankfully, there is one saving grace here. and that saving grace is this: finally, i am awake.