this morning i'd woken up at 0456 and hadn't been able to fall back to sleep till after dawn broke. i'd teetered on the brink of breaking down about the anaïs incident but managed in the end to fight it by self-soothing. i just turned to good ol' tv instead. utilised the time to catch up on GREY'S ANATOMY and MASTERCHEF JR and eventually, i wore myself down.

now it's 2219 and tonight, oddly enough, i heard off 23.

i'd told myself that the only way i'd make it through scrubbing away all the feelings was to honour my 100-day radio silence but the funny thing about age and all of these disappointments and heartbreaks i've come to be so well-versed with is that i've developed quite a bounce back. and now, all i feel is numbness. isn't it great to know you're finally on your way to being a grown-up?

worth a mention: i received the best news this morning but i'm going to wait a bit for everything to firm up a tad more before i document it all, i think. i know, i know, i'm one superstitious git but i don't like the thought of jinxing things or getting too ahead of myself so a little suppression's not going to hurt. heck, even momsy has yet to be updated and she's usually the one i jump to to share news like this.

spending more time (paper)journalling has really got me introspecting a lot harder than usual. which i wasn't even sure was ever possible but, hey. looks like the learning never ends(!) i've come to realise just how quickly i tend to get swept up in emotions and allow myself to be whisked away and now, more than ever, i am finally able to accept and understand why it is so necessary to practise restraint. the key is simply discipline and self-awareness. which is the ultimate struggle for this dreamer/romantic but throughout all of these failed relationships there was but one unchanging variable— as soon as it became glaringly obvious that i was the party more emotionally invested a.k.a. the one who loved more (even by a hair), i became immediately unattractive, disposable and, well, dull. no longer was there any sort of "mystery." somehow, men seem to thrive on that agony of not really knowing what or how a woman really thinks or feels. it's what drives them to still compete. it's what'll keep them on edge and wanting to strive. i suppose it's simply the same logic for me with work. as soon as something becomes easy, i start to stray.

so really the key for me to succeed in relationships is to keep being a tight-lipped, emotionally constipated bitch. because someone significantly older once told me that the more someone can't and don't have something, the more they want it. perhaps it's just plain human condition. to believe that the grass is greener and to keep chasing something perceivably unattainable. who can really say? all i know is that since my status change i've transformed into a complete block of ice and in all honesty, i'm really relishing it.

the extreme weather fluctuations and my erratic totally fucked up sleep patterns has me unwell. scratchy throat, blocked sinuses and all. sounds like i've got my weekend cut out: bed, bed, bed. hip hooray.