it seems to be a trying season in my life every time it's lenten season (and the year-end). it's like flying straight into turbulence. and when it rains, it pours. so not only was i hit with the knowledge of buddy being really, really sick and the (immense) guilt of not having realised sooner, it was also that he returned to God the day he was meant to be discharged to come back home and we'd earnestly made preparations to help him be comfortable. in addition, this weight of being (so) unhappy with work was simply crushing me and so in a split second, i made the decision to pull the trigger and tender my resignation. i have two weeks to serve and no plan b but i've been so weighed down by the anxiety, the feeling utterly lost and the frustrations to no longer even feel fearful. to top it all off, 23 and i erupted into a full-on (verbal) fight early yesterday morning and so much finally came to light, it literally shook me to the core. and whilst i'm on the subject of relationships, i can't help but feel like my relationship with gucci is becoming more and more estranged (and i am implicitly helpless). why does this happen? perhaps it is a reminder to really reflect on the bigger things such as the goodness of God and give thanks for when days are brighter and better. suddenly, through all that has been happening around me, i am reminded of this particular story. i read it aloud in the car on my way home one evening and had to fight back breaking down. i think it is a beautiful contrast of how our choices can either make us better or break us further. and that it is so imperative to keep leaning on and thanking God— and even more so in times of trial. it's really scary to feel like all i can do is allow myself to be thrashed around in the storms of life but i just need to realise that storms, like everything else, will come to pass and that there is really nothing to fear.

the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want.

with all of the darkness i could ever be confronted with, i must never forget to only hold tighter to His light. amen.