ready, set, slay.

23:23
this is what life is like, i feel.

you open your eyes and you find you're in a pitch black place. there's literally nothing that you can see except absolute darkness. and you wonder if your eyes are even open at all. you can't know if there's anything ahead of you, behind you or around you. so you stand dead still.

suddenly there is a teeny glow. a dot of an orb and you see it bob against this inkiness. you think your eyes might be playing tricks on you but, no— there's an orb of light that's really moving through the darkness.

and it's coming straight for you.

the light comes close then gets raised. you're able to see it's another person. he has raised the light to his face. so you can see the outline of his features. "hello, friend." you say. you think he's a friend because he has come for you. somehow, he knew exactly where you'd been standing. plus, his face is kind.

"come." his voice is gentle. you are comforted. ah, yes. this one's a friend. and you follow him without another word or question.

there is nothing you find odd about this trek. in fact, you are simply grateful to have company at all. what's more, he has a light and appears to know exactly where to go. there is no conversation but you like that. no need for small talk. and the novelty of it all— that you're able to travel a path in utter and complete darkness with zero conversation between the pair of you is somehow both amusing and exhilarating.

you cannot wait to see where this all leads.

the light is held just barely an inch of this strange guide's extended arm. it is neither lowered nor raised. just a steady ahead. and his pace is calm and relaxed. if not for the blinding darkness, you would think you were strolling through a luscious garden. drinking everything in.

then all at once, there is a halt.

it is so sudden, you're surprised you both did not collide. "why have we stopped?" you asked for the first time. surprised at how the sound reverberated. had he brought you to a cave? for the first time, you stretched your arms out width-length. to feel for walls. nope. none there. you shift positions to have them out in front of you. sure enough.

a wall.

"where are we?"

your voice again.

"why have you brought me to a wall?"

then the light is raised and you're able to visualise that there are a couple of things now bathed in white fluorescent glow. a wall, yes. the man's face and half of his torso. what was it that had given you the impression that his face was kind? you wonder silently. realising for the first time what you'd just done.

trusted a complete stranger in pitch black darkness— asked no questions, spoke nothing and assumed he'd come to lead you out. because how would he have known just where to find you? surely, someone good had sent him.

right?

"is this a dead-end?" you ask. your voice now has a slight tremble. what did any of this mean?

and somehow, something was already telling you— you weren't going to be getting any answers from your stranger guide. not today, buddy.

he holds the light for three seconds longer. and somehow, in the harsh fluorescence, he suddenly looked sinister.

"you have just learnt," he says, speaking deliberately in a voice so soft, he might as well had been whispering. "not to trust that someone will never lead you astray."

then he takes a step back and all at once, vanishes. as if the darkness had just swallowed him whole.

feeling the wall in front of you, you turn 180 and begin to walk as straight as you're able back to, perhaps, you were hoping, where you'd been standing previously. so far, so good. putting one foot immediately in front of the other, you were doing alright... thus far. no tripping, falling and bumping into anything just yet. thankfully.

this darkness is starting to piss you off. because your eyes actually feel tired. i guess they're just straining so hard to see but there is nothing. so what's the difference? you might as well keep them closed.

you dare yourself to close your eyes. and there we are— much better.

oddly, you're not too scared anymore. you've managed to alleviate some pain for yourself. and it didn't seem complex. keep walking in a line.

then you actually do make contact.

you bump into the form of a person. your eyes fly open. a light.

for a second, a small panic rises. not again! the voice inside your head shouts. was this the same stranger?! you step back. the light advances. it's the same guy!! right?

RIGHT?!

"hi." his voice steely and cool. "come."

"WHAT?! NO. i'm not falling for this again. i really don't even know you," you sputter. you feel anger creep in.

"but i've been waiting for you."

and before you can say another word, he turns on his heel and the light goes with him and though you hadn't yet recovered from the first strange encounter, you suddenly feel comforted by the fact that there was one more person in this godforsaken darkness. and what's more— he has light.

he's running. at least that's what it feels and sounds like. rapid sounds of footfall. you run, too. keeping your eyes trained on the orb of light that's bouncing and jumping erratically against all of the darkness. there is nothing to see, nothing to hear and why does it feel like all you're doing is running round in circles? but no matter. run you must. so run you do.

and you're breathing so hard. you don't recall running to have ever hurt this much. but your lungs are on fire and your chest feels unnaturally heavy and everything's screaming out for you to stop and catch your breath. you want to ask why you're running. what's happening???! but you're also afraid to know. then suddenly, you feel an arm block your motion. oof! your stomach runs into the arm. you want to shout out but "sshh..." comes the low warning.

then all at once, a gush of cold air. and padded footsteps. it sounds like a large animal. but there is nothing except the abnormally large gust of air that billows on your face, you feel your hair blow upwards and your eyes squeeze shut in reflex.

and then, the light is cast.

the stranger's face comes into view. his eyes seem to twinkle. lips tugging ever so slightly.

"you're welcome." it's a quiet, soothing tone that sounds like a lover's.

and before you're even able to find your voice, he takes a slow backward step back and disappears without a trace.

"you've just learnt how it feels to trust again even though you've been betrayed," says a voice, loud in your ear.

you jump.

a light and it appears to be rising in slow-motion.

all you see is the curve of lips. teeth. straight, almost luminous teeth.

"come." 

ready, set, good.

16:21
having been blessed with very precious quality time with some really unexpected but good company lately, i've come to really appreciate the reset on my entire life during this holy month of april. the last week of march leading up to the month and the start of q-two saw the loss of a love, the loss of a life and the loss of (my means to earning) a living. so as i sit here now with only the sound of my standing fan on full blast in the background, typing this; my current life score boasts zero all.

shocking.

i've given up feeling anything at this point. the only thing i continue to pray for is the courage and the strength to keep trusting in God's plans and path/s for me and to carry on. even without the ability to see. it might seem like such a cop out to revert to relying on prayer when i'm faced with personal adversities but i've taken it upon myself to pray the rosary once a day every day and i find it truly shrouds me in a cloud of calm. maybe it was time for me to put aside all of my selfishness and sulkiness and return to Him. and it feels good to be embraced by His grace.

yesterday morning, i'd woken up feeling disjointed and sad. there was an unexplainable heaviness on my chest and without even a second thought, i'd called my spirit mom all the way in texas. and hearing her voice and filling her in on my current situation had not only lifted the weight but had made me laugh and smile and i realised that God always has help at the ready.

it is so, so good to have a faith family.

whenever i start to have small moments now where i feel like lamenting out loud, i really give further thought to my situation/s and think about all others who have less than or even who are worse off and how well they cope. how much they're still able to believe, forgive and love. how they seem to never give up on the thought of some day being where they want to be and how they're so able to hold on to hope. it's through both knowing and witnessing the strength of others that i am able to find mine. and i am just so thankful every day for little things that i'm able to achieve and accomplish. even if it's something as simple as finally taking the time to fold away clothes and have clean underwear.

perhaps this is what i really need to remember. that it's always okay to feel overwhelmed, spent— i just need to put my hand up and ask for a timeout. but i really don't need to quit. and surrounding myself with good, positive, supportive energy is so essential as it helps me recharge and teaches me to give myself more grace for simply being human and making mistakes.

the other day i found myself reminiscing on the girl i was, the girl i have been. the one who seems to always fail to place a higher worth on her self and her heart and i feel sorry and sad for her. to know that i have always, always, always been so afraid to end up all alone and feel as if i need to be everything people want to please them if only it means they'll love me back is just plain pathetic. therefore, now, i've vowed to just keep holding myself higher. and to always, always, always remember to never, ever lose my edge or independence. it's very easy for me to get swept up in emotions— i'm just a girl who loves love at the heart of it; but i need to never forget that loving people the way that i have has only ever caused me grief and heartache.

there is no knowing where any of us will be or could end up. but from hereon, i'll only be living in the present. and wherever i am, is wherever i will be reminded that i am still alive. happy. healthy. and forever grateful.

all the time, God is good.

and God is good, all the time.

ready, set, breathe.

02:01
i highly recommend a heartbreak (or several, if you're that hardcore of a character) for quick, effective weight loss. it has been nine days and five hours now that i've been single and i've rediscovered the ability to fit into form-fitting outfits that've been previously almost bursting at seams. oh, joy!

yesterday, unexpectedly, took a turn for the (very) hopeful.

my interview was flawless— 99% in the bag then lo and behold: i finally received a response from one of the jobs i'd really been setting my sights on. granted, my options, at this point are rather limited but finally, it feels as if my prayers for an opportunity to escape this place, this life and this dreadful reality has been answered(!) add to that, a very interesting character has also happened to have made an appearance in my life and suddenly, i feel as if i've been given the gift of renewed perspective.

all very cryptic at this point because, well, it's 0133 for starters and also, i'm a big believer in not wanting to jinx anything so let's just wait till things are slightly somewhat firmer before any big reveals take place, yes?

not that anybody really gives a shit, of course, echo the voices of ex number two and ex number four in unison.

no matter! it's my blog and i'll record if i want to! motherfuckers.

sidebar: i feel the need to make note here that it's funny how most seem to make the mistake of thinking that my writing is for them. it really isn't. i can't be arsed to be so magnanimous. it's really just for me as i'm terrified of some day having to face the (very real) possibility that there might just come a time where i could actually forget my own life. nothing has ever been for the pleasure of anybody else. i really couldn't care less for popularity.

pardon the digression.

so it's almost 0200 and here i am— suddenly all geared up and feeling excitement for life bubbling up again.

i eagerly await responses to my queries and then it's likely it won't take me too long to make my mind up. after all, like i'd said, this was one of two things i'd hugely had my heart set on. and whilst change is extremely nerve-wracking, i've already counseled myself enough to fight through this. first off, i wouldn't be the first human ever to exist outside a comfort zone and secondly, everything is only just a matter of conditioning. once the initial challenge is tackled, it becomes past tense and no longer a relevant threat/problem.

easy peasy lemon squeezy.

i can do all things in Him who strengthens me.
—PHILIPPIANS 4:13


and for the record, my plan now is to stay single for two whole years (to the date!). a very unexpected yumcha session last night seemed to challenge this plan of mine. i feel it may have simply been a test of willpower and i can only hope that i passed. perhaps to any outsider looking in, they may not understand the motivation and it may come across as a purely childish, petulant resolve. but rest assured, this is something i truly aim to commit to and by all means necessary, at the very least, genuinely attempt. heck, i'd be grateful and proud of myself enough should i surpass 12 months. after eight years and three months of consecutively being in relationships where the longest i'd ever been single is five months, i feel i owe myself this.

"it's a really long time," one friend says.

"this is such a nonsense plan," another remarks.

"two years?! i don't think you'll last that long," a third comments.

well, let's see. i say to them all knowing my tenacity and how i almost live to prove the world wrong.

"you could very well be shutting the door on good people who're really waiting to love you, you know." the someone i'd met for the first time last night sat directly across from me said. he was looking at me straight in the face.

"why won't you bless my plan?" i'd looked down, avoiding the intense eye contact. i smiled a wry smile.

"i'll bless you to find happiness. how 'bout that?" he had asked in response; leaning forward closer to me.

"i'm the one who's choosing this. this is what's going to make me happy."

as soon as i'd made that declaration, i brazenly shifted my gaze upwards. we locked eyes. i flashed an icy smile.

teeth and all.

he shook his head ever so slightly. and leaned back into his chair.

ready, set, float.

02:30
i should really get to working on my drafts. i've got a couple of travel posts half-hanging. it has been somewhat difficult to crack down and write— i'm enjoying my newfound free time so, so much. all things considered, this break-up was perfect timing. i have definitely needed time to just be in moments. i sleep when i want. wake when i want. and have managed to deepen my bond with netflix. also, thanks to having found my old writing journal, i have been practising my penmanship a lot. working on lists and making sure i have all of my lessons noted down. as much as it was a shock to have had the rug pulled out from under me, this was the second time in my life that i'd prayed for God to assist and intercede to cast away anything that was not going to be pure and true and long-term serving. it's very (very) good for me to know that God still hears all of my prayers. and at this time of writing, i'm feeling super positive that i'll be able to take on two years of singlehood— no problem-o.

managed to watch a number of movies which will be content for a separate post altogether. just wanted to jump on here quickly to let everybody know that i'm 100% out of the woods and reset. heartbreaks don't get easier, my healing just takes place quicker. i'm not sure if that made any sense but to put it simply: it helps to understand, realise and accept that the problem is not at all me. a handful of people have been genuinely helpful in this regard to provide their unbiased opinions. and 10 out of 10 of them have validated the fact that leopards don't change their spots and tigers can't rid their stripes. my one evening convening with a former student of mine has forever changed my perspective on things. and it truly was a beautiful moment where our roles reversed and i, once the teacher, became the student instead.

the past week has been a showering of love and blessings for me. i am never ceased to be utterly amazed at how much i keep receiving even when i sometimes feel like i've lost (it all). i am so very grateful to everybody who has shown concern in their own unique way/s and i hope you'll all know that the love you put out will only make its way back round to you some day.

love, light, blessings and sloppyoppy kisses!

ready, set, believe.

00:17
be patient.

the pain is just the poison (from all of the lies) leaving the body.

and one day, some day, all of this pain will make sense. and it will have been for something more. God has His plans. i must keep moving in faith. i must keep trusting in Him.

and all of this, too, shall pass.

trust God.

trust the process.

ready, set, persist.

01:00
i watched the screen, saw the animated ellipsis and heard my heartbeat grow increasingly loud in my ears. i thought "here we go, this is it. confession time" and braced for what would appear next on the screen. the next few exchanges already confirmed what i knew in my heart of hearts: he was never unfaithful. but, still there had been things he had not owned up to— information he had kept hidden and these, i simply could not fathom, the reason for. they aren't things that hold very much weight. in fact, practically none at all. but the act of omission is what casts a looming shadow over it all.

i believe him, though. and through the screen, feel my heart ache for everything that he seems to be internalising. we text back and forth for a little while more before i steel myself to hit call. i wondered if he'd intercept. given his current state. the moment he did, i'd been half a second away from ending the call.

we spoke. in hushed tones that sounded more like whispers than actual speech. i heard the defeat in his voice. "i'm tired," he says. over and over. to know that a person i love with all of my heart is struggling with pain i cannot help to alleviate is the most helpless feeling i could possibly experience.

it wasn't hard to keep my words soft this time. he was finally being vulnerable and slowly opening up. progress. we spoke for what felt like hours. perhaps it was because we were finally treading deeper waters.

"i wish you wouldn't keep insisting on pushing me away," i finally say quietly.

"i wish you'd let me love you through the darkness. and even if you feel you can't love yourself right now, trust that i can love you enough. know that i can love you enough for the both of us."

it was beginning to sound as if he was steeping between sleep and awake.

"you should sleep now, no?" i said as gently as i could.

"i can't. i sleep very little these days."

"did you bring your sleep meds?"

silence.

"hm? did you bring your sleep meds?" i pressed a second time.

"no."

his voice sounded so small.

"please bring those with you."

silence.

"okay?"

silence again.

"you need them. huh?"

"okay," came the small voice again.

we can never know of the storms that wage within a person's soul. but the one thing that i have learnt in this life is that you can choose to sit in the hole all by yourself or you can choose to sit in the hole with people. nothing changes the fact that it will still be a hole you're sitting in and the storms will still wage. but sitting in the hole with people makes it (a hell of a lot) easier. makes the time pass faster. makes it feel less scary. sometimes, for a second, it can even feel merry.

the more someone pushes you away is the more they need you. you shouldn't just leave him alone ahhh. aiya. reads a text from a friend in a separate window. i really don't want to. but how? do i just push my way through? was my response.

"it's like i'm sitting outside your door, just knocking and knocking. asking for you to let me in but there's just no answer."

"i'm not home," he answers softly sounding quizzical.

"it's a metaphor. just let me in. and let me love you."

and we'll be together in the dark.

ready, set, see.

11:04
and so it begins.

every nightfall is long, drawn out torture. i become a victim of my own mind where all of these questions plague me relentlessly. how did i screw up so badly here? how could i have been so, so stupid?

last night i'd been fortunate enough to have had the bae team keep me company. all the way from the next continent over, through phonelines, they had offered me all the solace and soothing they had. and i had eventually fallen asleep with significantly less sadness than i had had. my emotional outbursts and breakdowns are unscheduled and sporadic. and i am thankful for the first time ever, to have the luxury of being able to break when i want to and cry when i have to. all of the times before, my go-to remedy for heartbreak and healing would've been to throw myself into the next whirlwind so as to be so busy, so busy, so busy i would have no choice but to continuously put off the breakdowns. but twice now, i've caused myself more harm than good. so this time, i'll take it slow and just allow for myself to be as sad as i have to be before i pick up the next cross to bear.

i am so numb.

i am confused and in a daze. how did i get this one so wrong? it was almost as if it had been two completely different people from start to end. so i guess this is what being duped really feels like. and holyfuckballs, does it really mess with your head.

when i had first met him, he had been sweet, funny, charming, easygoing. and in the last weeks, dark, secretive, cold, heartless. in a single day, i had uncovered more about him than i had bargained for. three months later, i now realise i know nothing about the true person. it is so, very unsettling. and all i am left with now is to feel the aftermath of realising i've just been emotionally depleted. this was the nigerian bank scams of emotions. and now i'm the poor, foolish victim who has been completely sucked dry.

why did i love him? and why do i still? i keep questioning myself and perhaps it is that he'd had his art perfected to a t. this is every scammer, i guess. they have a target, they have a niche. they get you every time.

truly, i have no words left. just the dust of everything that has been crushed and crumbled. three months of building, one moment of total destruction. i am now officially running on empty. but thankfully, there is one saving grace here. and that saving grace is this: finally, i am awake.

ready, set, single.

18:44
my fingers are about to take to this keyboard and i recall, from a past life, a session with a fortune teller where i was told to exercise extreme caution with all the men who will approach me in my life. all of this was translated through momsy— seeing as how i have a lifelong struggle to understand profound chinese. smirking, i had asked "why?" aloud and in english. that needed no translation, of course and the answer that had came back (via momsy) was: "because they all have very bad intentions for you. it's because of your face."

"my face?" i laughed a barking insulted laugh. "nothing i can do to change that, huh, mom."

"your look." my mother corrected herself.

regardless of the reasoning, it seems to me that this has proven to be true time and time again. four boyfriends later and all i've come to be properly certain of men is that they all cheat. and lie. (and omission of truths constitute in my book as lying, too for the record.) perhaps it is the oedipus curse— serial cheating, in all forms, is something i have grown up witnessing and now, have developed an iron-clad instinct to detect that shit. it wasn't something of choice. sadly, once something has been taught, seen and learnt, there is no other way back.

is this all cryptic? hardly.

to quote the lovely stacie orrico who says sings it better:

now that it's over, what else could it be? he decides to cheat.


real love, good love, honest love and true love, i have finally come to realise and accept today, is no friend of mine indeed. the only thing i've known of love is the darkness and the sinister gnarled snares of deceit. manipulation. control.

i am truly so fascinated with the outcomes of psychological impact. different children raised in the same environment can be affected so differently. isn't it just amazing? this single conclusion continues to prevail— of us three daughters, i seem to have the unbreakable misfortune of continuing to choose characters with extreme likeness to my father. this is a fact that is absolutely terrifying.

and today, of all days; in one, single, solitary day, this conclusion has been proven true.

as a result of all my accumulated (nightmare) experiences, suffice to say, i've now been conditioned to expect it. and perhaps this isn't a new revelation to any mature, older woman. "all men cheat. we have to just close an eye," is the mantra and i guess you could say, the "secret sauce" to success of a long marriage. but i call bullshit and if monogamy is not made for the male species then, so be it. fuck it all. i am glad to mark this day as the day i draw this hard line in the sand:

I CHOOSE TO BE ALONE.



ah, but you'll say this and then you'll be tested. good ol' moms. always the mouthpiece of eccentric, off the cuff chinese proverbs. her voice is the first one to ring in the space between my ears when i make my sweeping "for life" declarations. maybe Never Say Never. maybe, in time, i could find myself in a situation where i will be made to eat these words of mine. but truth be told, the likelihood of that happening? let's be honest: zero to none. poor fuckers fail to fight temptation at every, single, go. it is actually the very definition of pathetic.

perhaps all of this is some karma from past lives still not entirely paid off in this life. i'm more determined than ever now to suss out a solid karmic reader this year to do an in-depth karma reading and genuinely find out once and for all. i have been so curious for so long as to why finding good, solid, real, honest love that lasts is such a struggle for me. from the christian/muslim/buddhist taoist standpoint, i am repeatedly told that this is because it is not my time yet to meet my destined one. from a logical standpoint, i know that it is because all of the men i have come to form deep, prolonged relationships with have all betrayed trust and destroyed the sanctity of the union.

this last one, though... absolutely nobody could've seen coming. though my mother had been skeptical, i had (as i always have) simply chalked it up to her being her usual (over)protective self. but i can already hear her reaction in my head— i told you. you are always so quick to feel and believe. your heart needs to harden. stop being so soft!

or this time, how about i simply rip it out my chest entirely so as to not have one at all and then any poor fucker who even so much as blinks in my direction will be made to endure hellfire before he comes anywhere near even breathing the same air. (insert maniacal laughter here.)

okay, okay.

let's cut the shit.

there is no queue and more so, no running number. contrary to whatever people may believe on the surface, nobody is crashing into one another, climbing over each other, clawing and fighting their way to me. i'm difficult. rigid. far too obsessed with patterns and habits. impatient. perfection-driven. fussy. overly smothering. et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. the bottom line i make here is that i'm no catch and well, at least i'll be the first one to put my hand up and admit this! unabashedly and without apologies.

so, it's only month four in the year 2018. lots of revelations and surprise, surprise, more losses(!) lovely. i thought it held so much promise for good but it seems like up to this point, it has just been nothing but false alarms. still, i'm extremely grateful for these lessons, of course. and perhaps this is all part of preparation for something greater and better. who can say? as a christian, there can only be one course of action and one course only: keep the faith.

the one thing i will honestly vouch for here is God's goodness. each and every time that i have called out to Him for guidance, for help, for clarity— it has been granted. unfailingly.

regardless of what other people's opinions may be, this is how i know God is so real. and how i feel His love.

i will sing to the Lord as i live; i will sing praise to my God while i have being.
—PSALM 104:33

DEFINITELY SINGLE INDEFINITELY.



welcome to my new normal.

having spent a grand total of eight years and three months of being in what i always regarded as committed relationships but come to find out was not the case for any of the other parties involved; the only things i am left more with now is damage, baggage and hurt. i am bruised, bent, more broken than ever and have but one word scrawled all over me: JADED.

i have never been one to know, to feel, to love a good man. it hurts to know that this is my truth and nothing else.

ready, set, relent.

15:29
it seems to be a trying season in my life every time it's lenten season (and the year-end). it's like flying straight into turbulence. and when it rains, it pours. so not only was i hit with the knowledge of buddy being really, really sick and the (immense) guilt of not having realised sooner, it was also that he returned to God the day he was meant to be discharged to come back home and we'd earnestly made preparations to help him be comfortable. in addition, this weight of being (so) unhappy with work was simply crushing me and so in a split second, i made the decision to pull the trigger and tender my resignation. i have two weeks to serve and no plan b but i've been so weighed down by the anxiety, the feeling utterly lost and the frustrations to no longer even feel fearful. to top it all off, 23 and i erupted into a full-on (verbal) fight early yesterday morning and so much finally came to light, it literally shook me to the core. and whilst i'm on the subject of relationships, i can't help but feel like my relationship with gucci is becoming more and more estranged (and i am implicitly helpless). why does this happen? perhaps it is a reminder to really reflect on the bigger things such as the goodness of God and give thanks for when days are brighter and better. suddenly, through all that has been happening around me, i am reminded of this particular story. i read it aloud in the car on my way home one evening and had to fight back breaking down. i think it is a beautiful contrast of how our choices can either make us better or break us further. and that it is so imperative to keep leaning on and thanking God— and even more so in times of trial. it's really scary to feel like all i can do is allow myself to be thrashed around in the storms of life but i just need to realise that storms, like everything else, will come to pass and that there is really nothing to fear.

the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want.
—PSALM 23

with all of the darkness i could ever be confronted with, i must never forget to only hold tighter to His light. amen.

ready, set, report.

10:22
what a whirlwind week!

between the mundanity of daily routine, making time for friends and family, granting myself small fractions of leisure and, i guess, sleeping it has definitely felt like a whole month has come and gone. but march ain't over yet.


i've just came out of a meeting and learnt that the family dog was called back to the Lord this morning. momsy got the call at 0930. and here i am, at 1000, numb. i don't always understand the reasons for the things that happen– buddy was supposed to come home today. but i guess the Lord loved him better and just didn't want him to be in all this pain any longer. i'm mad because he spent his final moments in a dark, foreign place in solitude but i've just been informed that he'd passed in sleep so it was likely quick and the most painless way possible. i'm glad i got to see him, say a prayer and have my goodbye. i guess the only thing left to do now is to make peace but it is so, so difficult. my heart is extremely heavy and i'm questioning why i'm even doing this— sitting here at this infuriating desk-bound job. i feel shackled. cheated. maybe i'm just mad right now.

i can't think anymore. i've struggled through writing this entire post. writing, deleting, re-writing, re-deleting.

everything in this life just feels empty and pointless. the only thing to really do and be is happy in moments. fleeting pockets of time. to exist when you do. because the only thing that's truly promised is that everything's impermanent.

ready, set, grow.

00:19
perhaps the greatest thing (and scariest sometimes) i've come to realise is that growth is infinite. the fact that this year will be the last year of my being a 20-something, there is definitely an altered sense of self. i feel a lot more assured in my character. i am now at a stage where i can confidently say, i know who i truly am. i know the things i encompass and i know all that i will stand for and all that i won't and most probably, never will. i am (so much) more rooted as an individual and it is unquestionably apparent that there might be a very large possibility that no one will ever know me as well and as deeply as i first know myself. and maybe that's just how it goes.

maybe, that's okay.

it's interesting to recognise how these days, what little friends i have left who are still invested in documenting their lives on the internet are the ones who are parents. i suppose when you're raising lives and nurturing human beings, you don't ever want to think you could potentially miss out on some development breakthrough. you simply can't. you couldn't bear it. and so it drives the urge to record as much as possible. but in my case, i suppose you could say its the same for myself and i. i realise i've been so different through each day of each month of each year and it has been both beautiful and unnerving simultaneously. yet, i find that i am utterly fascinated by, well, at the risk of sounding hopelessly narcissistic— me.

to be ever-evolving and to know that (and i mean, really know it) is incredible. maybe it's not quite as interesting as jotting down notes through firsthand observation of the evolution of a human life from inception to end but i know that even as i am 28 going on 82, i know that i am still learning every day (and bit by bit) to not simply embrace and blindly accept that this is who and how i am but to, more importantly, understand why i am the way that i am and what has formed me, how. i am wholly dedicated to this ceaseless study of self and vow to never stop getting acquainted with myself. yesterday, today and for all the tomorrows still to come.

it has been such a rush to discover through living life, the paradox that is being alive thus far. i am, at this exact moment, young enough to know that anything i want is simply not out of reach but old enough to understand that everything that happens is not really for me to determine. there is a time, a season, a reason, a process. and as scary as it is for me to relinquish control, i have come to realise that the best things can only happen when i really and truly let go and let God steer.

so if we're still talking resolutions 79 days delayed, i want to rid the fear— totally take my hands off the wheel and allow Jesus to steer.

ready, set, restart.

13:30
it has finally been made possible. i have arrived at this stage following many, many years of Reboots and Try Agains with blogging— i have finally been blessed with the opportunity and absolute privilege to work with an incredibly talented designer to, at long last, craft the layout of my dreams! (well, at least for the next few decades or so!)

this post commemorates the start of a brand new journey in a brand new direction. and how apt, too. seeing as how yesterday, i was fortunate enough to bear witness to this beautiful individual's coming full circle. an end to one life, a beginning of another. it was truly moving to know and see for myself that struggles can and in fact, do pay off. and that a relationship that is built on and rooted in Christ is truly one that'll be smooth-sailing and always accomplished through all that is rough and tough in life.

i was really grateful to have been given the honour to be present. and wish nothing but happiness to the newlyweds! onwards and onwards!

following the wedding, and on a total whim, i decided i'd kidnap this lovely young lady and take her on an adventure up the only mountain i know that's easy enough for me to access: genting highlands!

i figured it'd be the perfect opportunity to talk, stroll, shop maybe, eat (of course!) and create memories. boy, did we! towards the end of the night, we ended up getting rather lost trying to get ourselves back to the parking garage. it wasn't exactly the sort of adventure i'd had in mind but it was one nonetheless!

thankful for the fact that my sunday was spent productively. when it comes to sundays, i'm usually stuck on one mode: bummed out because it means saying goodbye to the weekend.