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sometimes, i wonder why my life moves at the crazy (read: breakneck) speed that it does but sometimes, also, i find that i'm glad that it does. since my last time of writing, there has been a lot of healing but what has been more (pleasantly) surprising is the amount of growth and change that has taken place. it is said that the brightest of dawns come after the darkest of nights and whether or not this is an early indication of the end of one struggle remains unproven. for now, though, it feels like i'm finally on a good path. one that can only lead to great(er) things. with two more days on the clock before may is up, i can safely say that i'm at peace. and the only thing i need to remember right now is to stay the course. keep on keeping on and just, do more of what feels good.

p.s. thank you to all the sugarbears who've sent along their letters of concern and support. your love absolutely overwhelms me and my cup runneth over. i'm not sure what i've done right to have you all care the way that you do but all i can say is thank you. so, thank you.
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it has been a totally tumultuous week for me; plagued relentlessly by emotional abuse. that's nine days, 11 hours, 820,591 seconds, 13,676 minutes, 227 hours, nine days total. on the surface, most don't know any better but i have been on the receiving end of a torrent of text messages, phone calls and e-mails. all of which is already starting to form a small hill. every last similarity i sensed about pea and boyfie, was 100% spot on. the two major differences being that boyfie was a hardcore junkie (suspected meth head) thus utterly unpredictable, violent and dangerous whereas the worst pea has done was threaten to (in his words, and i quote) "absolutely destroy me" should i actually go public (including personally reveal to his family via telephone/e-mail) by posting screenshots of conversations and/or actual text/e-mail exchanges that he has been raining down on me (and still continues to) in spite of my repeated explicit rejections.

today's lure was that he "has purchased a flight ticket over" and "will be arriving" bearing "a ring to propose to me."

if that is not utter and total manipulation then i really do not know what is anymore.

it has been floods of panic. manic energy. fear of being intimidated in public. my workplace. my home. nothing feels safe anymore and i am hardcore experiencing flashbacks to when i was actually fearing for my life and personal safety. this time around, the thing that's different is that there hasn't been a(ny) death threat(s) issued. i am really uncertain what it is about me that attracts extremely toxic things. on the surface, things appear innocent enough— no one's actually taking any of my fears seriously and people don't believe that this character is truly capable of inflicting serious hurt on me. but the types of things i have on record all could prove otherwise. phonecall recordings, voice notes and written documentation i have accumulated at this point are the only things that will collectively save me should anything actually hit the fan. i am fearful yet at the same time, i found myself telling heart over the phone today that should she actually fail to get in touch with me at any point during our regular daily check-in time, she should report it directly to the authorities because Lord knows— my mother may not be able to survive the emotional distress.

i have been trying, trying, trying my level best to hold everything in and breathe easy but today was an entirely new curveball. momsy tells me to brace myself (for things to get worse) and my only response to her on that note was that i will not be made to cower and exist in fear a second fucking time.

never, never, never.

nobody makes you do, say or accept anything. everything that happens to you is 100% everything that you approve and ultimately, allow. and i was so young before. fearful of the fact that the monster i fed would end up destroying not only me but everyone and everything i loved. i gave up so much. my blog. my social media spaces. i pulled the plug on everything. i hid. i ran. had i not succumbed to the terror, maybe i wouldn't have lost so much. all of my opportunities to have been great.

there is nothing to fear but fear itself. i was told that my 33rd year of being alive would be my most challenging yet but it feels now that this could possibly, actually, be it. the days are counting down and june draws closer. the one month i look forward to the most annually is now the one i am dreading. breath bated. and the only thing i can actually do is get on my knees and pray.

for mercy from this madness. for forgiveness for having been stubborn all along. and most of all, for my mother to be spared any and all deep(er) distresses.

who knows why my life seems to only be filled with darkness, despair and so, so much struggle? people end relationships all the time and me? all i know about love and relationships are the darkest of truths.

tonight will be one more night that i lay in bed, eyes wide open. anxiety stricken. i knew there had to be a reason why i'd experienced all those dreams before this entire shitshow. my anxiety made a full return. insomnia in tow. i am being haunted and consumed from the inside. but my life is in the hands of God and everything that is willed for me, i will endure.

Father, forsake me not.

even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil; for Thou art with me. — psalm 23:4 —